How to work with your anxiety

I’m often asked what ‘homework’ might look like if you’re working with me. How can I work with my anxiety between sessions, or how can I deal with procrastination or perfectionism when I’m in the thick of it? In sessions, we might get to know a part, or support your nervous system to settle or learn something new. Practicing these skills, and helping to reinforce these new neural pathways between sessions can be very helpful. Not to mention, help you cope with challenging situations as they arise.

So what does using somatic skills and Internal Family Systems look like day to day? I thought I’d share an example from my own life, because a) yes, I practice what I preach and am always learning from my own experience, and b) I know how challenging it can be sometimes to do the thing we learned to do when our systems are struggling!

The other day I was feeling some extra anxiety. The kind where my insides feel especially sensitive, like my nerve endings are a teeny bit raw and my energy is vibrating a little bit. This often happens when there is a lot to do – or a lot I WANT to do – and I can’t seem to focus or prioritize actually doing any of it. I can’t make decisions, and there are parts of me that feel overwhelmed and just want to shut down and watch Netflix all day. I used to let those parts take over (and every once in a while I still do) – but here’s what I tried on this day.

I took a pause and noticed where I was feeling the sensations of anxiety and overwhelm in my body. I named them out loud. Some tingling around my neck and shoulders, shallow breathing. I kept my awareness with the sensations for a bit. Because of my practice, I was able to notice what movements my neck and shoulders wanted to make – some little shimmies, shakes and bounces. My breathing started to deepen.  

I recognize these sensations as a young part of me. She gets overwhelmed by having to do anything related to work. She gets scared about being judged, feels like she’s forced into doing things she doesn’t really want to do, and would rather curl up and watch cartoons. She’s rarely been listened to – life, school, work, fitness, require showing up, and that has meant overriding her. I remember as a kid this part would be SO thrilled when a sporting practice or some commitment was cancelled – all of a sudden she would feel freedom and relief.

So I start to talk with her (out loud), rather than trying to ignore her or push through the sensations.

“Hi sweetheart, what’s going on right now? How are you feeling?”

The response I get is “I don’t want to, I’m scared and I’m tired”

I say “I totally get that. It feels like a lot doesn’t it? Yes, I hear you”

I feel some slowing down, and a few tears come to my eyes.

“What is it you need right now?”

First, I hear she wants comfort, and safety. She feels scared, overwhelmed, pushed.  

So, we slow things down. There is no rush. I do a self-containment hug – one hand under the opposite armpit, the other around the opposite shoulder. I rock from side to side a bit. I continue to let her know I’m here, and I’m listening.

I also have a cat, named Maya, who loves snuggles. So I take some time to cuddle with Maya. Soft fur + sweet kitty smell = full sensory soothing.

I check in with my little girl part again. She’s a little more settled, but still feeling resistant to having to DO any of the things I’m feeling obliged to do. I ask her what else she might need. She wants to play. To watch some of her favorite comforting TV shows. So we settle in and watch an episode of Friends. Now, I know I’m lucky I have the time for this. If you’re having to run out the door or you’re on a deadline, you might have to negotiate a bit with your part, like I did next.

My other parts are feeling ready to move, to get something done. She’s still a bit hesitant so I say this:

“Sweet little Helen I know this feels hard. You don’t actually HAVE to do this work. You can stay here with Maya, and when I’m done doing the work, I’ll come back again and we can hang out and do more of what you want to do. I’ve got this now. You’re ok. You do not have to face this alone.”

I continue to do this intermittently and check in with her. And most importantly, I try to keep my promises to her, so she learns to trust that I really am listening.  

I also continue to check in with the sensations in my body. Is my breathing shallow? Is there tension in my shoulders or face? Do I feel ‘stuck’ at all? I stay with each sensation and feeling and give it time to move through my system – again this might be little twitches, or vocalizations, or a bigger breath. I try, as much as possible, to let these things happen organically so my system is truly settling, rather than trying to force settling through intentional ‘hacks’.

As you do Internal Family Systems or Somatic Experiencing and get to know your own system, you can learn to connect with each of your different parts, start to really hear them (through words, images, sensations or feelings) and tune into what they might need from you. People pleasing parts, perfectionist parts, anxious parts, parts that struggle with overwhelm, or anger, or shame can all be attuned to and cared for, and you’ll have a new experience as a result.