Self-Compassion: Renew your sense of self-worth.

How do you speak to yourself day to day? Do you treat yourself as well as you would a best friend or loved one? Or do you, like many of us, treat yourself worse than you might your worst enemy?

Your inner voice might be full of vitriol, negativity, self-hatred or just plain criticism. Now, while there is always a place for accountability, speaking to ourselves like we’re crap just isn’t a helpful strategy.

Here’s why that’s important – if you have a strong inner critic or voice that beats you up and questions your worth, it’s likely that at one point your system thought that WAS helpful.

Think of that critical voice as a protective part of you that works really hard to keep you safe (even if that feels counter-intuitive for now). That part learned it’s role somewhere – maybe it internalized the voice of a critical parent, a teacher, a bully. Maybe it thought if you just did BETTER – at school, at work, at human-ing – that you’d be loved. That people would accept you. This protective part figures, if it can push you enough, you’ll do what they think you need to do to be ‘good enough’, to be loved, to be safe, to belong. And maybe for a while, this worked – the internal shame and bullying pushed you to achieve some good things, and DID keep you safe in difficult relationships.

We now know, however, that shame and internal criticism do exactly the opposite of what those protective parts want for us. Shame and criticism create stress in our nervous systems, activating our threat responses, releasing cortisol and adrenaline. When this becomes chronic, is can create a ‘freeze’ state, which makes it really hard for us to heal, to flow, to do the things we’d actually most love to do in life. To feel good about ourselves.  

On the other hand, when we feel compassion, it actually “Increases activity in the areas of the brain involved in dopaminergic reward and oxytocin-related affiliative processes, and enhances positive emotions in response to adverse situations” (Dowling, 2018). In other words, we can feel good, and resilient, even when we’re facing challenges or having a hard day.

When we practice Internal Family Systems and get in touch with the Self, we can immediately start to access our inherent compassion. We can then hold our parts with this compassion, and help them to settle, to heal, to feel a bit less anxious, to feel truly seen and heard, etc.

Kristen Neff defines Self-compassion as having 3 key elements:

·      Kindness rather than judgement: use comfort and soothing

·      Acknowledge your common humanity rather than thinking you’re alone in your experience: others have gone through something similar and we all make mistakes, suffer, struggle, learn, grow.

·      Mindfulness: use your ‘witnessing presence’ or Self to notice and be with your experience, rather than blending with it, or trying to get away from it.

I’ll often use the practice of self-compassion day to day in little ways when I’m experiencing a big emotion or a challenging situation.

I’ll put a hand over my heart, and offer the parts of me that are struggling a bit of care, the way I would a scared child or an animal. Letting those parts of me know that I’m here, I care, and it’s ok to be feeling whatever I’m feeling. Physical touch releases oxytocin and can soothe the stress response. If your heart doesn’t feel like a comfortable place to touch, see where in your body might feel better.

I’ll also check in on where I might be judging myself harshly. Catching those judgemental tones and getting curious instead can create an internal environment of compassion. For example, instead of:

“Ugh I’m procrastinating today, why do I suck so much?”

Try

“Hmm, I’m noticing there are parts of me really struggling to move today. I wonder what’s happening there? What do I need to feel safer or soothed today?”

Instead of

“Ugh I really screwed that up, I’m a failure”

Try

“Hmm there are parts of me struggling with how that went. I can see how I might want it to go differently next time. Making mistakes and learning are an important part of being a human”

Rewiring a pattern of self-criticism that has kept us safe can be tricky AND it’s absolutely possible. Your brain is a powerful thing and neuroplasticity means you can encode new ways of approaching yourself and the world.

Dowling T. (2018). Compassion does not fatigue! Can Vet J. Jul;59(7):749-750. PMID: 30026620; PMCID: PMC6005077.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York: William Morrow.