How to “feel your feelings” safely

I’m a therapist who focuses on emotions and felt sensations. I truly believe these can be portals into our histories, our essential selves, and who we want to be in the world. They can be incredibly healing, perhaps even more than just talking about the things we’re struggling with. Body- and nervous-system focused work has been essential in my own personal process – it’s why I want to share it with others!

In emotion-focused work, we’re often told to “feel our feelings”. It’s often suggested that if we resist feelings, we’re actually making our problems worse, whereas if we could just “allow” our feelings, they could pass, much like a wave.

Feeling your feelings can be an avenue to healing – but only if you actually have the capacity for this. If you have experienced trauma (which, honestly, in this patriarchal, colonial and capitalist society, many people have), then you might not be feeling your feelings or body sensations for VERY GOOD REASON! Trauma can sensitize and change our nervous systems. A feeling or sensation that might be mild for one person can feel completely overwhelming and dangerous to another person.

A history of trauma might mean that your feelings don’t “flow” in the way that they might for an individual without trauma. Rather than the feeling dissipating after a time, you might feel completely overwhelmed and stuck in it, or entirely drained by it. Huge vortex of pain! Over time, your system has done the brilliant work of protecting you by ensuring you don’t get into these feelings and sensations.

This doesn’t mean you’ll never be safe to feel your feelings or body sensations. What it means is that honoring your own experience will take some time as you learn what your capacity is – ideally with the support and safety provided by a trained practitioner. Expanding your capacity will involve establishing resources and safety so that you, and your practitioner, can ensure you don’t become overwhelmed.

So how can you start to safely feel your feelings?

·      Try an exercise like ‘Dropping Anchor’ to touch into difficult feelings if they come up, without getting stuck in them.

·      Take a pause and try to name feelings when they come up, without trying to stay in the feeling. This can apply to both “positive” and “negative” feelings (hint – feelings aren’t actually good or bad, they simply are). Check out a “feelings wheel” for help with this!

·      Find a trusted professional who can help guide you – it’s way easier to get in touch with difficult feelings when you’re in the safety of a compassionate relationship.